Persuing Domestic Goddessness
Friday, April 30, 2004
oh those canadians
this is another Jim Shea article. I am far too busy with my qual for the likes of blogging.
Well actually, the qual sucks the life out of me and I am left without the strength fo regaling you all with my escapades. Which are minimal anyway, due to the time-sucking-ness of said qual.
Season Of The White Limbs
April 24, 2004
At no other time of the year are we the people of the Northeast more unattractive than right now.
Forget August, these are the dog days.
Blame the onset of warmer weather.
As soon as the temperature goes up, our heavy clothing comes off - all at once.
The concept of degrees is lost to degrees. There is no gradual changeover, no systematic shedding of layers, no slow segue from sweater to sleeveless.
It's just slam, bam. One day we're all bundled, the next day we're all buns.
This is not a good thing.
As a general rule, the more clothes we in these parts have on, the better we look.
If you dispute this make a list of all the people you might find more fetching au natural. Didn't take long, did it?
What makes the sudden lack of coverage an even bigger problem this time of the year is hue. Our skin tone, whatever that may be, only emerges from hibernation in shades of sickly.
At the far end of the spectrum are the majority of us, those who appear to have been marinated all winter in 2-percent milk and then sent out at the first sign of thawing to air dry.
Talk about pasty.
To stroll through a mall or park on a decent late April day is to feel surrounded by pale hordes of Anne Rice characters in the latter stages of liquid diets.
It can be quite unnerving.
For some reason those of us who choose to mix and match shorts, halter tops and Wite-Out limbs are under the impression that we look good.
We look like vacationing Canadians.
What needs to be accepted is that certain clothing styles only work if accessorized by a tan.
Which, of course, presents another problem - getting a tan.
People who spend too much time in the sun run the risk of developing skin cancer, wrinkles, and, in the opinion of some, an unhealthy fixation with contestants on "American Idol."
Sunless lotions are relatively useless, of course, unless you are someone who counts on stripes to help you look thinner.
As for spray-on tans, the following question must be asked:
Are all of us prepared, psychologically, to enter a tanning booth the shade of a Mick Jagger, and emerge minutes later glowing like Duck L'Orange?
While nothing can be done at this point about the current production of "Powder" on parade, it is not too early to begin planning for next spring. What is needed are some no-nonsense regulations.
I'm thinking along the lines of patrolling fashion-police, to whom we would give a Taliban level of authority - and sticks.
Friday, April 23, 2004
yo yo yo
This column appeared a couple weeks ago in the Hartford Courant. I was highly amused.
(by Jim Shea)
Yo Shake Better Than No Shake
April 10, 2004
To shake or not to shake hands?
Often it's a matter of common sense.
You don't shake with someone who just sneezed, or coughed, or otherwise goobered into his fist.
You want to think twice before locking palms with an on-duty proctologist.
And, obviously, you never extend your hand toward a fellow men's-room traveler, for reasons that go well beyond hygiene.
So when do you shake?
Maybe the time has come to do away with the handshake altogether.
I mean, the original purpose behind the hand - or hands - shake was to make sure the other guy wasn't packing some kind of heat.
In retrospect, outside of nudist colonies this was never a foolproof system.
Nowadays, the handshake is really nothing more than a highly effective - make that infective - way to exchange viruses.
Just to be clear, the handshake being talked about here is the basic hand-to-hand engagement: the grasp, the squeeze, the pump.
It does not include such variations as the high five, the low five, fives that require change, or any of the slap, tap, clap, or multiple-grasp greetings for which I have neither the coordination nor upper body strength.
The problem with eliminating the traditional handshake, of course, is that you have to have something with which to replace it.
Although there are several obvious options, each has its downside.
There's the bow, but it's kind of time-consuming and you run the risk of mutual concussions.
There's the heads up, but it holds a distinctly neighborhood-punk connotation.
There's the curtsey, a practical approach but a tough sell in certain circles, like, say, among construction workers.
No, if the goal of doing away with the handshake is to avoid contagion, the logical replacement should be a greeting that does not involve physical contact.
One possibility is the air handshake, which would involve going through all the motions of the basic handshake except touching the other person's hand.
An even better substitute, I think, is the verbal handshake, in which the physical act is replaced by the word Yo.
You are introduced to someone, you say, "Yo."
You run into somebody you are excited to see, you say, "Yo-Yo-Yo."
The Yo-shake is concise. It's flexible, allowing for various levels of enthusiasm. And you could even do it in the men's room.
If you agree, let's Yo on it.
Thursday, April 15, 2004
Welcome Baby Abby!
So Stacey just emailed everyone that at 1:55am today, Kathi gave birth to Abigail Elizabeth Robinson. Congratulations! She was a bit early and therefore small, but both Kathi and Abby are doing fine. However, no word on Rich...
This is, well, mind-blowing. A little person came out of Kathi and now she and Rich are.... PARENTS. And I am a friend of a PARENT. !!!
This is a whole new era of my life.
And since Abby was so early (5 weeks), we have not yet had a shower for her and Kathi!! Now we'll have to wait til they're well enough. But that will not stop me from starting the baby shopping.... I know just what this kid is going to get. Just take a look at my bathroom and it'll be obvious.
Next will be Jenn's turn.... All these children!!
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
I went home for the weekend. It was good- Saturday my car went in for a new muffler and some sort of belt/strap/holder-inner thing, and mom and I went to Westfarms. It was successful yet not excessive.
Sunday mom and I went to church, then we got home and had no time for our Easter baskets, just for the three of us to have coffee and breakfast, adn then we went to Granby with the rest of the fam for Easter. Basically all we do on holidays that are not centered around presents (i.e. birthdays and Christmas) is eat and make fun of someone, either me, my cousin Jon, or a non-related "family member" after they leave. The food was good, but oh man, way too much! And it was so much colder than I had thought it would be, so I didn't really have anything warm enough to wear. Well, in the kitchen it was fine, I was cooking a bit.
Monday I ended up just staying in CT, rather than driving back to the state of No Ham (with leftover Easter ham, I smuggled it in!!) Sunday night. So basically I played hookey on Monday- I didn't go into lab until nearly 5pm. Oh well...
I am tired, so I don't have many exciting things to tell about. I'm going home in probably an hour, I can't read at school. Ideally if I felt fine I would go to Panera and enjoy free coffee refills for several hours and read (since I can concentrate in coffee shops, unlike the library, home or in lab- yes I know how weird that is, stop making that face at me). But as it is, I think I will go home and watch Will and Grace at 7 and read before it.
Love, Easter candy and sleeeeep.....
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
Ok so I'm poking fun at someone, but this has to be told.
On Sunday, when I got back from CVS and Borders (little spending spree, but the only non-necessary stuff was on sale so it's ok), Brandon stopped in after doing his recycling at my dumpster. And we're discussing TAing, since he is doing the class that I did last term. So he says, I have the off week lab (like I did, the only lab in the second week of labs), and I like that. So I told him what I thought were the pros and cons of having the off week. And then he says, well the only problem so far is I have the death-girl.
The death girl? So I'm thinking, the death girl, what the hell does that mean? Maybe she's terminally ill with something. Or maybe she's like goth and he doesn't really know what goth is or something and he interprets her as if she is obsessed with death. Or she's a convicted murderer? So I said, the death girl? What's a death girl? And he goes on about how there is someone who has to talk for her and he has to be clear, and I'm like, what??
Well, it turns out he means the deaF girl. As in, she can't hear.
Brandon says that's the Pennsylvania accent. I'm dying to find some PA people and ask if "F" is pronounced "TH".
Do they say "thuck you"? What a pretty bouquet of thlowers? They live thar throm here? Maybe it's a Lancaster thing. Like "having a great idear" if you're from Newington/New Britain.
Friday, April 02, 2004
And the rain, rain, rain comes down, down, down...
So, it’s raining today. As it has been all this week. Oh well. I can’t find one of my umbrellas-- luckily I have two, only I haven’t used the one I can find yet. Unless I’m dressed up, I don’t care if I get rained on, I’m really only concerned for a leather bag, and right now I’m carrying a wool bag with leather trim, so I just tuck it under my bookbag.
I went to the Canoe Club on Wednesday after choir, I chatted with a nice couple that just joined up last term, Meg and Ben, and another woman they were talking to, I didn’t catch her name, but she sits behind me. They were really funny- the unnamed woman has a young daughter, I guess she is about 18 months or maybe 2 years, so fairly young. And this woman says it’s hilarious to teach the kid to say funny things, because the kid will and it’s funny,and also shementioned a good idea is to shine a flashlight around and watch the kid chase it. LOL I can’t wait til I have kids! Or til somebody else does and I can try the flashlight trick on them.
I am budding today. And yesterday. It’s my newest assay in lab, it’s very exciting (not really, but it’s better than cloning).
And I’m going home thisafternoon, mom and dad are in SD and I will go sit with my kitties to keep them company. Shoofy also needs to be brushied, I didn’t do it last time I was home, and for some reason, Mom just doesn’t do it well. She says he doesn’t liked to be brushied, but man, he loves it when I brushy him. Oh he’s so cute and poofy… :)
My life is boring this week.
Love, rain, and caramel popcorn (which I will make tomorrow, thanks for the April issue of MSL)